The Unforgiven
by MistressNobody
Summary: Spike and Buffy contemplate their twisted relationship, and she comes to a difficult realization. 1st chap Spike POV, 2nd Buffy's.
1. The Unforgiven

Someday, it would have to end. Spike knew that, logically. He just didn't want to acknowledge it most days. What he had with her right at that moment was almost paralyzing in how much it affected him, enough to make him want to fall to his knees on the ground some nights. _His Slayer_. What a bloody joke, that. She'd never really be his... she'd never let herself be.

Sighing to himself, Spike picked up the electric guitar he'd nicked not too long ago, and decided to work out his frustrations in the only way that wouldn't get him staked. He began to pick out a melody, thinking about exactly how in soddin' hell it was that he had gotten here. Without really paying attention to the words, he began to sing to the empty crypt.

_New blood joins this earth, and quickly he's subdued... Through constant pained disgrace, the young boy learns their rules..._

When he'd been human, his life had consisted of nothing but humiliation. William had been so soft-hearted, so weak, that he'd never really had the bullocks to defend himself against it all.

_With time the child draws in, this whipping boy done wrong... Deprived of all his thoughts, the young man struggles on and on..._

They'd never really let him be himself, Spike could now recognize. That damned Victorian mentality had been so ingrained into him, he'd let them all tell him how to act, how to behave, how to think... It hadn't been until after that fateful night with Dru that he'd begun to discover himself.

_He's known, a vow unto his own... That never from this day, his will they'll take away..._

The railroad spike being driven through that ponce's head had been the most liberating act in his life at that point... It had been the first time that he had taken any power, any action for himself. The first time he'd ever really done _anything_ for himself. He'd decided right then that no one would ever control him again... what a bleedin' laugh that was. He'd still been controlled, just by a different set of creatures.

_What I've felt, what I've known... Never shined through what I've shown. Never be, never see... Won't see what might have been. What I've felt, what I've known... Never shined through what I've shown. Never free, never me... So I dub thee 'Unforgiven'..._

Even after the onset of his 'unlife' with Dru, Darla, and that bloody Peaches... he still wasn't given reign to be what or who he really wanted. He'd run across Europe with them, killing and maiming and admittedly enjoying himself like never before... but that was when his shell had developed. His new 'persona'. In all his efforts to never again be William the Bloody Awful Poet, he had created Spike. A ruthless bastard, the Slayer of Slayers. 

_They dedicate their lives, to running all of his... He tries to please them all, this bitter man he is... Throughout his life, the same... He's battled constantly. This fight he cannot win, a tired man they see..._

Running along with the other three, he'd somehow fallen back into William's old behaviour of wanting to please everyone... He'd constantly tried to prove himself tough and evil enough to satisfy Angelus' blood-thirsty methods... He'd done everything possible to keep Dru at his side. Caring for Drusilla had taken much of the fight out of him, by the end. He'd hadn't the energy left in him to keep up with grand plots of destruction, no matter what he'd said to the opposite. Then _she'd_ been there. The Slayer. She'd changed everything... between her and the blasted chip, he'd been given an excuse to stop being the Big Bad, and instead try to discover who he really was. Spike still wasn't sure who he really was.

_No longer cares... The old man then prepares, to die regretfully... That old man here is me..._

Bloody hell... no matter that his body was perpetually frozen at a young age, he felt positively ancient most days. He wasn't William anymore, and he wasn't Spike the Slayer of Slayers... he was somewhere in-between. Not knowing exactly where left him feeling unstable. _She_ refused to see that he had changed, and it was slowly killing him all over again. There were some days that he just wanted to give in, give up. Disappear for-bloody-ever and see how she liked it then. 

_What I've felt, what I've known... Never shined through what I've shown. Never be, never see... Won't see what might have been..._

She wouldn't acknowledge what they could have, if she'd only unbend enough to see it. He loved her like none other... and she insisted that it wasn't really love. Because he didn't have a _soul_. Never mind that millions of _souled_ humans wreaked more destruction and murder everyday than he did now, no. It still wasn't good enough for her. He was good enough for her to use when she needed to vent her frustrations of being torn out of Heaven... but he wasn't good enough for her to love. 

_What I've felt, what I've known... Never shined through what I've shown. Never free, never me... So I dub thee 'Unforgiven'..._

The 'good' acts that he'd done for her – being tortured by Glory, fighting alongside her on patrol, taking care of the Nibblet all bleedin' summer while she'd been gone – none of it seemed to balance out for all the wrong he'd done since he'd been turned. She'd never forgive him for being what he was. _  
_

_You labeled me, I'll label you... So I dub thee 'Unforgiven'..._

He loved her _despite_ the fact that she was the Slayer, the one entity that was supposed to bring about his rather dusty ending. But she couldn't do the same for him, it seemed. Sometimes he thought that he was close to having her care about him... and then in the next moment she'd be back to kicking his sorry arse around like usual. And he'd let her, bleedin' wanker that he was.

The melody on the guitar trailed off, as Spike lost himself in his thoughts. A small noise near the door of his crypt sent his head to whipping around, surprised that he'd been so lost in the song that he hadn't sensed her standing there.

She was staring at him, he eyes glassy as if she wanted to cry. But no, that had to be wrong. His Slayer as he knew her would never waste tears on him. He glanced away from her, feeling as though exposed because of what she'd overheard in his song. He heard her step closer towards him, the door falling shut behind her. She circled around until she was standing in front of where he was seated on the sarcophagus. He listened as she sucked in a breath, and steeled himself for the acidic words that were sure to come out of her mouth next.

"Spike..." He gripped the neck of the guitar a little harder, waiting for the blow. "Will you sing another one?"

His head jerked up in surprise, and it took a moment for his brain to kick in and think. Deciding not to look too hard into her reasons, he began to pick out yet another melody on the guitar. This one closely echoed what he had just played, but was slightly different. The two melodies were like himself and Buffy... hauntingly similar, but the subtle differences too pronounced between them.

Working up his nerve, he took an unneeded breath and began to sing again.

* * *

**A/N: I'll be adding a second chapter on to this one, which will be from Buffy's POV. **

**The song used in this chapter is Metallica's "The Unforgiven". I was listening to this song a few days ago, and I couldn't get the picture of Spike singing it out of my head!  
**


	2. The Unforgiven II

She bit her lip a little after making her request, hoping that he wouldn't deny her. The song that she'd just heard him sing had been achingly full of anger and misery... so much feeling within it that she'd never really believed he could experience. She wasn't sure why, but she felt as though that song had been about his life... or, unlife... before Sunnydale. It touched a cord in her that she hadn't thought possible.

She had always been the first one to deny that Spike could have _feelings_... that he could care and love and be hurt. She wasn't sure if she even believed it now. To accept that he could love without the benefit of a soul would deny everything that she had ever been taught to accept about vampires.

She released the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding when he began to pluck out a tune on the guitar. It sounded similar to the melody of his song... but it was also different, somehow. She watched his face raptly as he began to sing to her.

_Lay beside me, tell me what they've done... Speak the words I wanna hear, to make my demons run..._

Since Willow had brought her back to the land of the living, it was Spike who had been able to understand what she was feeling the most. Part of her had resented the fact that the one she felt closest to wasn't her loving friends, but a soulless demon. Nevertheless, he'd always been willing to listen to her... to quietly give her comfort over the betrayal of her friends tearing her out of Heaven. She knew, though she hardly ever admitted it to even herself, that she was the reason why Spike tried to act more like a man than a monster. He never denied what he was... but he repressed his inner demon for her sake.

_The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true... If you can understand the me, then I can understand the you..._

All he'd ever asked her for was acceptance, she knew that. Acceptance of the fact that he was trying to be good... that he was there to help them all when they needed him. 

_Lay beside me, under wicked sky... The black of day, dark of night... We share this, paralyzed..._

She'd felt herself being drawn closer and closer into the darkness since she'd been brought back... He'd told her once that she belonged in the darkness with him. She always wanted to deny that they could share anything, but she knew that they were more alike than she would let herself admit.

_The door cracks open, but there's no sun shining through... Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through..._

It was hard for her to tell herself that he could feel nothing when she saw the effect that her actions and her words had on him. With every cruel blow that she leveled at him, she could see the light in those cerulean eyes dim just a little bit further. His eyes always plainly showed his emotions, no matter how much he thought he could hide them. Through them she could always see the damage she was inflicting on his dead heart.

_What I've felt, what I've known... Turn the pages, turn the stone... Behind the door, should I open it for you. What I've felt, what I've known... Sick and tired, I stand alone. Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you... Or are you Unforgiven too?_

There were days when she wondered. Was she back on this hellish earth because she was being punished? Was there something wrong with her? She knew, deep inside, that Spike hadn't done anything to really deserve the treatment she was giving him. He'd been tortured for her, he'd helped her fight his own kind... he'd protected her sister while she'd been dead, because he'd promised her that he would. She was more of a monster than him, for what she'd done to him. She didn't know how he could keep forgiving her for it.

_Lay beside me, this won't hurt, I swear... She loves me not, she loves me still, but she'll never love again..._

When she was with him – whether it was out on patrol, sitting on her back porch, or in those few moments when they lay side-by-side before she'd grab her clothes and run out – that was the only time when she truly felt alive. When she felt accepted for who she was now, instead of being expected to function like some normal person who _hadn't_ been brought back from the dead. It never hurt when she was with him. And yet, his love for her was one of the things hurting her the most.

_She lay beside me, but she'll be there when I'm gone... Black heart scarring darker still, yes she'll be there when I'm gone..._

Even though he was the immortal one, there were times when Buffy felt as though he was going to disappear on her. Not that he would leave her – she knew deep down that no matter what she did to him, he wouldn't leave – but rather that he would just... disappear. Sometimes, she'd wake up in his bed panicked that he was gone, and the anxiety wouldn't go away until she rolled over and saw his pale form sleeping peacefully beside her. 

_What I've felt, what I've known... Turn the pages, turn the stone... Behind the door, should I open it for you. What I've felt, what I've known... Sick and tired, I stand alone. Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you... Or are you Unforgiven too?_

She felt so tired. So tired of fighting him, so tired of bowing to everyone else's wishes. So tired of letting what they thought of her run her life. She depended on him, for so many things... to take care of Dawn, to be there when she needed him, to fight alongside them and lend his supernatural strength. To keep her sane by being there. By loving her. She was tired of standing alone, when it was so much easier to let herself stand with him.

_Lay beside me, tell me what I've done... The door is closed, so are your eyes... But now I see the sun..._

He looked at her as though she was the sunlight missing from his world. _My Golden Goddess_, he'd called her. She didn't feel like anyone's light, she didn't feel like anyone's anything. But no matter how she acted, he still gazed at her as if she were everything he'd ever wanted... and didn't think he deserved. To be honest, she'd never done anything to make him think that he _did_ deserve her. More than 'deserved' her... she was terrified that it had now become a case of that _she_ didn't deserve _him_. 

_I take this key, and I bury it in you... Because you're Unforgiven too..._

She was absolutely afraid of him. Not in the I'll-meet-my-death kind of way, more in that she was afraid that if she let the things she felt for him out into the open, he'd somehow be taken away from her. She honestly didn't know what she'd do without him there to make her feel like it was okay to be just the way she was.

_Never free, never me.... 'Cause you're Unforgiven too...._

He didn't think that she'd ever love him, she knew that. But he'd been right... they did belong together. They were both so twisted and confused on the inside, the only ones who could understand them were each other. If she could really admit it to herself, she needed him just as much as he needed her. If she was his sunlight, then he was her soothing night.

The tune drifted to an ending on the guitar, and she felt those useless tears prick at her eyes again. There were so many things that she wanted to say to him, but she didn't know where to begin at all. She watched as he nervously glanced toward her, and in his eyes she could read the fear of her rejection. A part of her ached for what she'd done to both his strong spirit and William's gentle nature that somehow was still within him.

She felt a tear slide down her cheek as she stepped closer toward him, grabbing the guitar by the neck and lowering it to the ground. He watched the tear track its way down her face with something akin to awe, and his fingers twitched as though he wanted nothing more than to reach up and brush it away.

She leaned forward and buried her face in the turn of his neck, wanting only to crawl inside of him and never come out. After a moment's hesitation, she felt his arms slowly twine around her, holding her to him as though she were something precious. And that was where she broke.

"Spike..." She felt him tense at his name, and her decision was made all the more sure in her mind. "I need you." He gripped her tighter to him at that, and she felt safe for the first time in forever. "Don't ever leave me."

"Never, pet. Won't never leave you, you know that." She sighed out a shaking breath, and let herself rest against him.

"I know."

Her friends were going to be outraged. Giles would probably want to disown her, and Xander would likely try to stake Spike. But she would deal with all of it, so long as he'd stay with her. She didn't think she'd mind being unforgiven... so long as he was, too.

* * *

**A/N: The song used in this chapter is Metallica's "The Unforgiven II". Give both of these songs a listen, if you're into rock, because they are absolutely fantastic!**

**I felt that they both could be fit to these two characters so well, and so I decided to write it and get it off my mind. I know the ending here is pretty sappy, but whatever. It's my story.  
**


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